we went through this entire charade years ago and i have no interest in repeating this pattern of behaviour with you. it wasn’t healthy for either of us then, and it’s not now. i really thought that we were past this, and it has really disappointed me to be in this situation again, after so many years of working on our relationship.
i don’t wish to fight with you, then be ignored by you, then receive a list of demands from you, have you feign a familial relationship with me for a short time until your demands are met, have you sabotage any attempts i make to control my own life, then rinse and repeat the process. that isn’t a healthy relationship, and although you may achieve a sense of gratification from it due to the control that it gives you, i do not.
one of your favourite phrases is that you “only want me to be happy” but the actual definition of this seems to be that you only want me to be happy doing the things that you feel are correct and appropriate. when i do something outside of this strict definition you cannot resist getting up on your soapbox and preaching to me about how terrible my behaviour is, until i feel guilty for it, even if that behaviour actually contributed to my overall happiness.
you don’t actually know me very well. you’ve spent so much of my life focussing on what i am not, and trying to mould me into the person that you think i should be, that you haven’t spent a huge amount of time trying to find out who i am.
you have no authority over me apart from the authority that i designate to you as a family member, and it’s hard to give you any of that authority when you aren’t acting like one. when our relationship is like this you don’t give me advice, you set me a list of goals that is impossible to complete. no recognition is given for the tasks that are completed because in the time that it’s taken to achieve one, you’ve already set several others. it’s an endless unhealthy treadmill that i got off years ago and i don’t wish to get back on. i’m sorry.
i tried so hard to fix this. i’m going to miss you.
feel it through my words,
see it through my eyes,
listen through my ears,
read it across my face,
read about my stateside adventures,
or tell me a secret.
“she forced a smile, said, “boy, come kiss my mouth. you know that hope you’re holding to? it looks an awful lot like fear. now you’re so quick to fall on failure, so quick to raise your voice. you had an option. i was your chance to feel complete. but when i leaned in close to you, you kissed your fear, instead of me. you had my hand in your hand, you had my lip in your teeth, you had my heart on your sleeve, you had a chance to breathe. but boy, you wouldn’t let your fear recede. so i moved on. it’s too late to change your mind. now you got scared, boy, and i got gone. now you failed, and there’s no way to turn back time. you had your chance, boy, i tried.”
“you tried?” i looked her in the eye, and smiled, “my girl, you must understand that fear is not some product that i made. it crept unwelcome in my head the day they had her torn away. it changed me. now at the end of every day i lie awake at night & wait to feel the wires of my brain get cut, and quietly rearranged, and hear my heart beat exclaim. still, i refuse to let her go.
so we escape to our mistakes, for they wait patiently for us. they always wait for me. if my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free. and i’m sorry, dear, but don’t you dare speak another word. how could i risk holding your heart in me, while still in love with her?”“
“i doused our friendly venture with a hard-faced, three-word gesture. we kissed. and, although i ended up with sore lips, it just wasn’t like the old days anymore. nothing’s changed, i still love you… i still love you only slightly less than i used to, my love.
typical me, typical me, typical me. but we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore.”
